Warning: Overpriced with microscopic rooms
Let's start with the positives:
Very friendly staff who did their absolute best to make our stay enjoyable.
An excellent breakfast buffet with a wide selection.
A cosy area for playing games.
Decent pool facilities.
And unfortunately, that's where the positives come to a rather abrupt end.
The hotel's rooms rank among the worst we've ever stayed in, with the exception of hostels and outright budget hotels in some of the world's less polished corners. But more on that later, because there's a slightly more important matter to address first.
I wouldn't go so far as to call Hjortviken Country Club a bunch of con artists, but they're getting dangerously close.
We've just spent more than SEK 40,000 on a three-day family stay for seven people, and the final bill turned out considerably higher than expected, thanks to information provided during the booking process that was quite simply untrue.
We booked a three-day package including breakfast and dinner. Before making the reservation, I called the hotel to ask exactly what was included in the meal package. I was told that we could order freely from the menu. Just to be absolutely certain that nothing had been lost in translation between Danish and Swedish, I even had this confirmed in English.
Imagine our surprise, then, when mysterious surcharges of SEK 180 per dish suddenly materialised if we wanted an actual piece of meat for our main course – venison or beef, for example – rather than a stew or fish.
We were all rather baffled, but we couldn't be bothered to waste our time arguing with the waiters. Instead, we simply had to accept that the hotel had knowingly provided us with false information before we booked.
In Danish, we have a word for this sort of thing: bondefangeri – roughly translated, taking people for a ride.
I'll settle for saying that Hjortviken Country Club appears to have a remarkably casual relationship with the truth.
And now, let's talk about those rooms.
They are, quite simply, microscopic. Moving around requires the sort of sideways manoeuvring normally associated with squeezing through narrow caves. The bathrooms are no exception.
There are no wardrobes, no tables, no chairs, and no televisions in the rooms.
Having two people in the bathroom at the same time is impossible. Completely impossible.
The washbasin is roughly the size of two hands. It's recessed into an already minuscule countertop, which inevitably becomes completely soaked the moment you turn on the tap and attempt to wash your hands.
The walls appear to be little more than wallpaper standing upright. You can hear absolutely everything your neighbours get up to. And as it turns out, young, energetic couples are capable of getting up to quite a lot, for quite a few hours after midnight.
The beds are absurdly soft and could easily pass for a bargain-basement imitation of IKEA's cheapest range.
Technically speaking, the rooms have double beds. However, should you actually wish to sleep next to your partner, one of you is almost certain to disappear into the miniature Grand Canyon separating the two mattress toppers.
The rooms have no ventilation and become unbearably stuffy at night. We're genuinely grateful that we didn't book a summer holiday here, because even in the middle of October, the rooms were far too hot.
The duvets weigh approximately a metric ton, so we ended up stripping off the duvet covers and sleeping under those instead.
In terms of room quality, both Good Morning Hotel and Motel L are at least one level above Hjortviken Country Club.
I asked one of the lovely waiters why there weren't any chairs in the rooms.
He gave me a resigned smile and explained that many guests complained about precisely that – as well as the absence of televisions.
His conclusion was that the whole idea was to discourage guests from spending time in their rooms and instead drive them downstairs to the bars and restaurants, where they could spend more money.
He also told me that I was more than welcome to mention this in a review.
So here it is.
Consider it mentioned.