The Royal Family Reviews 36

Your majesty. I am deeply honoured to be reviewing you and the institution you embody. Obviously, you've not asked me to review you, which is a bit awkward. I’ve never reviewed a monarch against their will before. However, I will do my best to honour the noble pursuit, I have made up and enlisted myself to perform.

I don't expect you to read this, I don't expect to get a Royal Warrant 'official reviewer of the Royal family', I don't know what to expect. I will, however, accept one of your Corgi puppies, if you so choose to reward my gallant and noble task, forthwith and heretofore. But, your majesty, I have to say something.

In the words of Alan Ginsberg, 'now we’re really in the total animal soup'. I know you prefer Shakespeare, but Ginsberg's poem Howl kind of nails it for me. MOLOCH! and all that. It’s an abstract war cry and there is an abstraction of our way of life happening in your country. Your Prime Minister's response is 'Go to the pub!'. Your government is managing this crisis, with the aptitude of a cartoon weasel, negotiating a flight of stairs in roller skates.

Your Prime Minister is a blustering, befuddled, buffoon and I have my suspicions he be could be the living embodiment of Humpty Dumpty. After some of the lofty statesmen you have had in your morning meetings... actually, it's just Churchill really, isn't it? Many have been terrible. People like Tony Blair sat in that chair. I guess Johnson hasn't committed a war crime, yet. But the ‘economics first’ policy and culture of lobbying in your government, in your name, has led to the deaths of tens of thousands of your subjects, your Majesty.

Why do we have so many people dead compared to the rest of the world? Your NHS is 'the envy of the world' and the medical personnel are heroes. We've got some of the leading Universities and research facilities. We are the 23rd most affluent country in the world per capita. Your subjects are educated to a level where they can follow basic guidelines. Ultimately, we have been tested as a society and we’ve been found wanting.

Has Humpty mentioned anything in the morning briefings? He fumbles and splutters just walking down the street, he must go into overdrive when he is in the Royal presence. Sitting in the same chair as Churchill! It'd be a miracle if he doesn't become aroused... ah... that is the sound of me losing all credibility. I apologise profusely. I get carried away sometimes when I review – like a portrait painter who forgot to put on trousers. I was just trying to make the point that your Prime Minister is an imbecile. Let's just leave it there.

You get five stars your Majesty. You're the best flipping queen since Boadicea. I have a deep respect for you as Sovereign and a human being. You've made a great sacrifice and - most importantly – changed and grown; opening-up to your country and the world. I loved you as Hellen Mirren and as Claire Foy. We're blessed to have you. God bless you. Then, I guess It has anyway because you're the Queen and stuff.

Now you might feel an urge to take these five stars and retire, it being the greatest possible honour you could receive, but please don't. Just restrict it to a dignified football celebration. We need you now. When people realise a trip to the pub won't solve the problem. When the economic impact kicks in. When the private companies who have been sold integral parts of our institutions and infrastructure, begin to report losses and fail, we are going to see major civil unrest and social hardship. We'll need more than words.

This is just my opinion! Humpty Dumpty might put all the King’s horses and all the King’s men back together again. In all honesty, do you sit opposite him as he judders and kerfuffles his manifold confrabulations of the morning and think, 'Yes. One is confident he got this'? Do you harbour a secret desire to grab his skull and scream "SPIT IT OUT!!"

We're in this animal soup together now, Your Majesty. Five stars to you, because I believe in you. You're our Obi Wan Kanobi and I'm Princess Leah beaming out of R2D2's face hole. It's a Star Wars thing, Harry'll know... ah. Sorry.

PS. I only mentioned cartoon weasels once in this review in honour of your station.

So Charlie boy wants to reduce the royal family after the carry on of randy Andy, stop being a hypocrite and start with your self Charlie boy after your carry on of deception and lies, and take your wife with you, your uncle did the honorable thing by turning down the crown well now it's your turn to stop being a hypocrite and let your son take the crown.

The British Royal Family possess a staggering level of wealth and each member of the family receives an enormous income paid for by hard working members of the British public each year. The family lives a lifestyle that most of us could only ever dream of, commanding power, influence and priviledge with the potential to change the world. They use this power to influence government and to veto laws that may adversely affect their private and financial interests. They help broker arms deals with oppressive regimes like Saudi Arabia, who then use British weapons to murder men, women and children who have done us no harm. For example, the people of Yemen.

And how did the Royal Family come by all of this wealth and power?

And why would a family who hold such wealth and power not use it to truly help change the world for the better of mankind? We could even just start with the UK and the British people. The Royal Family could ensure its survival, its comfort and hegemony and still transform the UK into a place that has no poverty, no real hardship, no homelessness, and where the people who currently exist on next to nothing (thanks to the DWP's greater interest in its budget than its sick, poor and disabled citizens) could afford to feed, clothe and house themselves without being stressed every minute of every day because they don't have enough money on which to survive.

The Royal Family - instead of helping BAE sell weapons to human rights abusers, could use their power to bring peace and justice to a world in turmoil. Why don't they do this?

We are told that the Royal Family bring in more money in tourism than it costs to keep them each year. Well, what a defence. One might say that about the tigers at the zoo. And what do the poor tigers do to help the world behind their bars? Still, it's a dead-end rationalisation that is supposed to silence the critics who dare question the existence of the zoo we live in or how one family ended up possessing such inordinate wealth and priviledge in the first place.

I have no malice towards the Royal Family as individual people. But I do have a problem with it as an institution that has accumulated such wealth at the expense of others who can barely feed themselves and who contribute to extreme levels of suffering to huge nubers of innocent people abroad. I just can't imagine ever being able to live in such luxury with more wealth than I could ever spend and continue to watch the world go to hell as it currently does. Unless of course, this is all part of the plan.

As the BBC reports on the latest Royal wedding:

"Bridebook.co.uk, a wedding planning service, says the total cost of the wedding could be £32m - including the cost of security. It put the cost of the cake at £50,000, the florist at £110,000, the catering at £286,000, and so on and so on."

I used to get £450 a month on disability for a chronic illness. It was enough to cover my council tax, energy bills, with enough left to maybe cover ten days worth of food. The DWP's corrupted application and assessment process now means I have zero income. But I still have to pay tax on anything I buy with my credit card. Tax that helps pay the Royal Family's living expenses.

Welcome to Great Britain folks...the land of double standards.